Zero Threat - Bringing Aviation Back to Life

AN AMERICAN AIRPORT - Airports across America have hit upon an ingenious way to keep passengers "high and dry" in the wake of new TSA directives following arrests in London early this morning, and a botched plan to blow up 10 trans-Atlantic flights. Airport security officials are now working overtime to draw all body fluids from passengers' bodies before boarding, in addition to holding back perfumes, shampoo, and hair gel bottles carried in cabin baggage. The passengers' lifeless, rubber-like bodies are then consigned to a conveyor belt that places them on to their designated airline seats.

Blood, serum, semen, and breast milk are filling up containers at a dizzying rate across all airports here, and these are transported in cargo planes to their respective recipients' destinations, where through a "precise regeneration procedure", passengers' bodies are brought back to their original state of being.

"This represents an important breakthrough in the area of transportation security, one that rules out all threat to life because the passengers really are 'lifeless' at the start of their journey through to the end," the chief security officer at a large American airport was quoted as saying.

Asked if pilots were being given the same "pre-emptive preservative" treatment before climbing on to the cockpits, the officer said it was being considered and would be rapidly implemented when airlines confirm that on-board auto pilots could do the job.

"It was freaky," said a passenger witness to the arrival of the first "dry" flight at a major American city. "One minute they're unloading these limp human bodies like it was a plane from Iraq, and the next minute these 'bodies' are amazingly walking out like laughing-talking zombies," she said. This passenger wasn't witness to the regeneration process but noticed a 5-minute belt stop in a room labeled 'Cargo'.

Airlines are pleased with the "new way to fly" as it allows them to continue charging full fare without having to serve wine or caviar on board. "Pre-emptive preservation helps airlines realize huge cost savings and buffers the effects of rising fuel prices to a great degree," an airline representative said.

Meanwhile, in Britain, the doctor who masterminded this entire medical procedure to make air travel safer, is on a bicycle tour of the world and wasn't available for comment.

"Are you being preserved?" - Photo by Chris Conway