Wednesday, December 17, 2008

President Bush Collapses at Pak Press Meet

ISLAMABAD, Dec 17 -- Barely 24 hours after unveiling a new paradigm in security arrangements for press briefings involving the president, the plan is flying in the face of the US Secret Service.

President George W. Bush collapsed at a press meet in Islamabad, Pakistan, earlier today for "non-health related reasons."

Several hundred Pakistani reporters invited to the briefing chose to sidestep the new "shoe glue" protocol, and checked their footwear at the gate instead. Once the doors were shut, the room was quickly engulfed in a vile concoction of odors wafting from the scribes' clammy feet and socks.

The president could barely get past the first question when he swooned.

Confusion reigned supreme because the Secret Service failed to immediately appear by the side of the president as he lay in a heap by the podium. "It was impossible to stay in the room. (The stench) was overpowering. Some of us in the security detail were taking a smoke break when we got the news that the president had collapsed. That's when we swung into action."

President Bush was rushed to the Al-Zaidi Hospital in the capital where he was given a preliminary medical examination. "Damned if they do, damned if they don't," joked the president from his hospital bed that he occupied for approximately 30 minutes referring to the predicament of meeting reporters with or without shoes.

Questions are being raised about why the Secret Service did not enforce its new shoe glue directive, and it appears the Service will swing into crisis management mode once more. "Right from the time the plan was drafted, the choice was available to reporters to check their footwear, and that's what the reporters here in Pakistan chose to do. From that standpoint, the plan was a success," was an agent's response to the question.

"This was a situation you cannot plan for. You've just got to grin and bear it," he explained.

Pakistan's tropical climate often takes its toll on the feet that remain encased in imitation leather for 8 or more hours in a day. Scott Tillman, a retired spy, offered this insight, "We've had similar situations before where this warm odor rises from the gaps between the shoe and the feet in tropical locations." Tillman was referring to press meets in the pre shoe-toss era where leaving shoes on was no guarantee that the air in the confined space would not be compromised.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Press is Shoe-ing Gum, Secret Service says

WHITE HOUSE, Dec 16 -- Under pressure to revamp security arrangements at press meets with the president, the Secret Service has cobbled together a plan that it hopes doesn't come unstuck.

A double coat of Elmer's glue will be applied to the insides of all mediapersons' shoes before they are allowed to walk into the press conference. A Secret Service agent was quoted as saying that they would "rest easy" while "America's favorite glue is doing its job inside (their) shoes."

Anyone resisting the application of the resin to their shoes will need to check the potential projectiles at the gate, and walk in barefeet.

This action comes in the wake of the president deftly dodging two of a pair hurled at him at high speed by a reporter at a press meet in Baghdad on Monday.

"Huh...Dad prepared me well for this," said president Bush making light of the incident immediately after.

The plan is currently being tested by the Secret Service at an unknown foreign location.

(From Agencies)
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